Epididymal Blowout
by David Golden
Smashwords Edition
© 2010 by David Golden
While I’m writing this, the most commonly searched terms on Google are cancer, underage, Justin Bieber, podcasting, blowjob facial and bebo.
When you’re optimizing your website for search engine spiders, what you’re doing is making sure that the site content includes regularly searched keywords. You want to make sure that keywords your target audience types into their Google search appear on your website at least three percent of the time, but no more than seven. This means that for every hundred words of content on your site, three to seven of them are going to be the same word, this oft-searched keyword.
Really clever webmasters, what they do, they put the top 500 search terms in the background of the main page of their site. White font on white background, camouflage over camouflage. Any cheap porn website, you highlight the background, you’ll find hundreds of disjointed words, run-on sentences and shit that just doesn’t make sense. The background is entirely made up of key search terms so that some bone cancer victim looking to podcast his testimonial to the Youtube world gets redirected to Peanutbuttersluts.com when he clicks “I’m Feeling Lucky.”
What a spider is, is a program that searches the internet indexing keywords for search engines. If it finds more than seven percent of your content to be the same search word, your website is classified as spam and gets removed from the list. Instead of being on Google’s top 100 sites, you’re nowhere on the list.
Spiders don’t check the background because that’s graphics, not content.
This is what I do when I’m not in class or writing this story. I’m sitting in front of a computer, hiding vermilion text in a vermilion background for companies’ websites to make sure that the website gets as many hits as possible. Today I’m working for Linguisticom Language Solutions, a company that specializes in communication for the blind and deaf: Braille, sign language training, TTY and spoken-word books. Your football broadcast is closed-captioned, that’s probably Linguisticom.
Today I typed the phrase Justin Bieber gave bebo underage blowjob facial cancer she podcasting World Cup hidden cam Michelle Obama anal cheerleader did American Idol and not gangrape prom Justin Bieber at least five hundred times. No one will ever read it. Unless they take the time to highlight the background of the “About Us” page.