Attack of the Ear Sharks
An m-novel
by A. Snoek
Copyright David Ker 2011
Version 20.July.2011
Smashwords Edition
July 2011
This book is free for non-commercial use, especially if you use it for teen literacy in South Africa!
For questions or comments, write: kanyimbe@gmail.com
Chapter 01
Our mini-bus smashed into the back of this lekker black BMW that was swerving to miss a cyclist dressed in a bright pink stretchy suit who almost ran over a little poodle being walked across the street by an old lady listening to her iPod. Mrs. Coetzee screamed. I had just turned to shout at one of the Junior kids when momentum sent me flying backwards out of my seat and I smacked heads with Latifah. She screamed, "Chuckle, you donderkop!" and then all the kids in the bus were screaming because a whole troop of baboons was attacking our bus, chewing on the tires and bouncing on the roof. Such is life in the Cape.
The rich guy in the beemer jumped out like he was going to start screaming at Mrs. Coetzee, but either he saw the baboons or he saw the look on Mrs. Coetzee's face. He jumped back in the car and slammed the door. Personally, I'd be more worried about Mrs. Coetzee.
We were going to be late for school.
The alpha male baboon was yanking on our radio antenna and showing his nasty fangs through the windscreen and that's when Mrs. Coetzee went a little bit mal. She jumped out of the car and started screaming at the baboons. Old Mr. Alpha Male closed his mouth and loped off to the side of the road. All his fellow gang members watched him go and then stopped chewing on the tires and joined him. Mrs. Coetzee is good at restoring order. She marched up to the window of the BMW, tapped on the window and started a conversation involving much waving of her arms.
Latifah was typing furiously on her phone. Nazley and Mpho were pressing their lips against the window and making baboon faces and all the Junior kids in the back were poking each other and laughing. Everybody was so busy that I was the only one who noticed what was happening on the beach. Looking down from our vantage point coming into town I could see sharks lined up along the beach in rows. There must have been fifty of them. And each one had what looked like a line of ants pouring out of its mouth and heading straight for town.
"Sharks!" I shouted.
Chapter 02
I was shouting "Sharks!" and pounding on the window but no one seemed to notice.
"Nazley!" I was shouting. "Mpho! Look at that!" The sharks were lined up along the beach with sunlight glistening off their scary fins.
But my friends didn't hear me. They were too busy trying to win an ugly contest with the baboons that were perched on the mountainside watching the traffic jam untangle itself.
I turned back to the window and the sharks were slipping back into the sea.
Every time I shouted, "Sharks!" Nazley and Mpho just shouted back, "Western Province!"
"Not rugby, you idiots! Real sharks!"
Just then, Mrs. Coetzee opened the door and we all got quiet. Latifah slid her phone into some mysterious part of her uniform and looked up at me.
"What are you looking at?" she sneered.
Talking to girls is never the easiest thing to do. For one thing, they don't really speak any of the three official languages of Western Province. Instead they make all these weird giggling noises interrupted by occasional words like "Brittany" and "Gaga." So my strategy with girls is always to hit them with a Chuck Norris Fact. It's like a roundhouse kick to the brain and usually gives you time to make your escape.
"Hey, Latifah, when Chuck Norris stares at the sun, the sun goes blind."
She rolled her eyes and slouched down in her seat.
Traffic was moving again but we'd lost precious minutes and that meant we were all going to be late for school at Seascape High. Hopefully Mrs. Coetzee called it in. Otherwise we'd have to face Mrs. Cronjie.
Chapter 03
We were late for school and Mrs. Cronjie wasn't big on excuses. You could tell her your taxi was in an accident and she'd just wrinkle her eyebrows together and give you detention. Tell her that you were attacked by baboons. She'd just look at her watch. And give you detention. Try to explain that an entire fleet of sharks had pulled up on the beach and off-loaded an army of ant-like creatures and... well, that might get you a trip to have a little chat with the social worker, Mrs. West.
So we were pretty much doomed when Mrs. Coetzee pulled up to the front gate and dropped the four of us off. Mr. William, the security man, was waiting there with his little orange vest on. And he just smiled at us and motioned us inside. "Howdy, kids. Y'all come in and giddyup off to class."
Giddyup? It sounded like Mr. William had been watching too many Cowboy Westerns. Maybe even my favourite, Walker, Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris. Did I mention that Chuck Norris is so strong he can cut through a hot knife with butter?
Latifah, Nazley, Mpho and I grabbed our backpacks and headed toward the front door of Seascape High like it was the Gates of Mordor. Instead of Orcs and Nazgul we found... silence.
Nazley looked up and down the empty halls and said, "Bru, we are so in trouble."
Each of us headed off to our destiny.
Chapter 04
I was late to class. The hallway was deathly quiet. This puzzled me. Seascape High is never quiet. With 928 students divided between five grades each with four classes, there was a lot of noise. Most of the kids at Seascape bused in on a mini-bus taxi like we did. And for some strange reason, hardly any kids from the town of Seascape actually attended school here. Instead, they took the bus or the train to schools all over the Southern Suburbs. Upward mobility, I guess. Chuck Norris, on the other hand. When he commutes, the city comes to him.
I pushed open the door for lesson one, Maths with Mrs. George. Mrs. Chantel George, or "Georgie" is a former student who went off to University, became a maths teacher and returned to her home town. Georgie is inordinately fond of numbers, but all the students forgive her because she looks exactly like Mariah Carey. To compensate she acts very stern. When I pushed open the door, Georgie smiled at me and said, "Good morning, Charles. We've been waiting for you."
Instead of putting me at ease, her relaxed manner filled me with panic. No teacher has ever smiled at a student in the 93 years of Seascape High's history. I walked past her desk and turned toward the class. My jaw fell open. Every student was sitting perfectly still at their desk with a pleasant smile on their faces. It was creepy.
Georgie does maths drills at the beginning of every class to get us warmed up. I happen to be good at maths so it's not a big deal for me. But she's done it for so long that even the kids that aren't so bright have memorized their times tables through twelve.
Mrs. George stood to her feet and said, "Very good, class. Let's warm up. Taliyah, what is three times two?"
Taliya stood to her feet and said in a clear voice, "Four."
Mrs. George smiled. "That's correct. Ebrahaim, what is five times seven?"
Ebrahaim stood, smiled and said, "Six."
"Correct," said Georgie.
Either I had lost my mind or everyone in my classroom, including Georgie, had lost the ability to do even the most simple mathematics.
Georgie kept asking questions. My classmates kept answering wrong. And she kept saying, "That's correct."
Finally, she turned to me and said, "Charles, what is six times seven?"
"Forty-two," I said without stopping to think.
Mrs. George stopped and frowned. "That's close but not quite correct. Have a seat."
The rest of the lesson was spent working on exercises in our book. Everyone was dutifully scribbling away. But I was just sitting there in complete confusion. Class 10D was quiet. It was never quiet. Mrs. George had suddenly lost the ability to do rudimentary multiplication. Was it just me or had the world gone mad?"
Chapter 05
The bell rang and I threw my books in my bag and headed for the door. My teacher may have turned into a maths moron and my fellow students may have had their sense of humour removed, but I was going to get to the bottom of it. I waited in the hall for my best friend, Soplo, to come out so we could talk over all the weird things that had happened to me.
I was the first out the door and then the rest of the class filed out slowly like robots on an assembly line. Finally, Soplo appeared in the doorway and I shouted, "Aweh, So-Slow, hoesit?" Soplo turned his head sideways and looked at me strangely. "Are you referring to me?" he said in this strange accent.
"Of course, I am, my bru. Can you tell me what in the world is going on around here? Everyone's acting weird like they're on drugs or something."
"Drugs?" So-Slow continued to act puzzled. "That's impossible. The school handbook prohibits the possession or consumption of all illegal substances including cell phones."
I shouted, "Knock it off, So-Slow! I'm tired of the joke." And then I whacked him on the side of his head with my backpack.
Two things happened in quick succession. First, something small and orange popped out of the side of So-Slow's head and slithered around the corner. Second, So-Slow started jumping up and down, shouting, "Sharks! Sharks! Sharks!"
Chapter 06
When Soplo started jumping up and down shouting, "Sharks!" over and over again, all the kids in the hall stopped and turned to look at him. Truth is no one is very surprised when So-Slow does something weird. For example, he is the undisputed Frito Fight king. A Frito Fight is when two challengers get bags of Fritos from the tuck shop at break time and see who can eat the whole bag fastest. So-Slow's technique is awesome. The only person who could beat So-Slow is Chuck Norris. But when Chuck Norris is hungry he just eats the whole tuck shop including the nice lady behind the counter. So-Slow is a basketball player with really big hands. So when someone shouts, "Go!" he pops the bag with one hand, dumps the contents into his other hand and shoves the entire bag of Fritos in his mouth in one smooth motion. It's actually quite graceful like ballet. Then he chews it up in about one second, sticks out his tongue which is usually bright red (Tomato is his favorite flavour) and another sucker just lost 2 Rand. Soplo always has money for Fritos and even though he offers 5 Rand to anyone who can beat him he never loses.